my cat padme in her fave spot of the house 

Last night, my family and I discussed the option of Mindoro which at the start of the day and the week, has been on my mind and the fervor of my decision to go was all the increasing every minute. Until that night.

I called a miting de avance with my family. Before we left the house, I called Auntie Ellen and we had a conversation on my decision to go to Mindoro. It was a nice devil's advocate approach, and albeit drained me, put me in a mood that it was a right thing to do.

After the phone call, we started to get ready and eat dinner outside. The something happened. Padme started the meow in a different way. It was like a pleading, worrying meow. At first, I thought there was something wrong with her, but we had to leave so I said, I'll just take her to the doctors tomorrow if there is something wrong. My brother even joked that maybe Padme knew I wanted to go and she was pleading for me not to.

Oh, well. Then we ate at Melange. We discussed the option or to my sibling, I persuaded the case to them. The discussion, for me, was open, but to them, they felt I had closed the doors. An answer to every inquiry they made is not a defense... it just means I already thought about it. But what totally crashed me was the mention of my being selfish... I couldn't accept that and tears started to flow. I told them if I were selfish, then I wouldn't go... that I'll lead my life exactly the way I was leading it. One of the reasons why I wanted to go was to save money... nahihiya na kasi ako that they always pay for everything... they told me that money is not an issue, etc. etc. but that wasn't the case before this discussion. So the whole thing from deciding Mindoro went to their criticisms about me. It was okay except that I was already hurt at what they said. Even when my sister told me she was just playing devil's advocate... that she really wanted me to go, except she wasn't too keen on the living arrangements, I was deeply hurt already. We left Melange and went to McDonalds, where we sort of continued on the drama. They each commented they didn't want me to go. What about Padme? What about the other things? What about my soon to be niece/nephew?

All these are important to me. And because of the events of last night, I'm having second thoughts right now. I'm hanging on to God. The feeling is a bit humbling. Because all the while you thought you have everything all figured out, but the end of it all is, you still love your family even if they hurt you. It would still be hard for me to leave them behind. So I am back again at square one. I don't know what to do. I don't know where God wants me to follow him. I'm so torn between wanting to go and staying. This time, I'm back at my 50-50% from my 70-30%.

Back at home. Padme still meowed in the same way and I held her and fed her. I let her go only to find out she was hiding in my cabinet. I went to sleep and she jumped from the cabinet to go to my bed. I comforted her as she settled in her sleeping nook... the place beside my pillow. I was tired from all the crying, the discussions... and as I went to sleep, I felt Padme knew I was considering staying, and so she closed her eyes and snuggled beside me.

~~~~~~**000**~~~~~~

Life has a funny way of showing you what you’re supposed to do with your life. In my case, I’ve been shown so many things that led to my decision of accepting the work offered for me in Mindoro. God knows how challenged I am to bring back to life something that has been sleeping away. And in Mindoro, that’s what exactly I’ll be doing. Ever since the offer came, I’ve been thinking about it. There have been so many times I wanted to just get away and disappear for a while. And here’s the answer. But my decision is more than just getting away… I want to fix my financial mess and myself up for the time being. Even if it means sacrificing luxuries in life; sacrificing family, friends, the choir and the youth. I believe it’s time for me to hang on to God. I am talking like I’m actually leaving already… but the final decision is yet to come. I’m waiting for my mom to give her go signal… Papa has already given me his… We talked (actually I talked, he nodded, smiled or shook his head) and he was happy the whole time, which was really weird because this is for a long time, I’d be back by December in case this pushes through.

On the other hand, I am also thinking at the back of my head: “What if God is testing me, leading me to Mindoro only to find out that he has other plans for me?” Then I remember the readings of love, trust and obedience. I should let go and let God. I should take a leap of faith so that He can work on me. If it doesn’t work out, at least the journey home is just a few hours away. If it works out, then I am sure I have a purpose to fulfill there. On both cases, I really just have to trust in Him and let Him work in me.

~~~~~~**000**~~~~~~

Addict na ako, I swear. I’ve been doing so many changes to my blog and making it more packed. I’ve been trying to learn html, finding codes and whatsoever to enhance my blog. www.webmonkey.com is a nice place to start. My tag-board has colors now… yippee!

~~~~~~**000**~~~~~~

Yesterday, Jeff told me my first choice of address for my blogspot was like his so much… because of the word “WORLD”. My blogspot now is http://arlenereflects.blogspot.com… it used to be http://arlenesworld.blogspot.com… and so much like http://jeprocksdworld.blogspot.com daw! Hay, pet peeve: owning words that aren’t really yours to begin with… ;) oh well. Il let it pass. I’m still trying to find creative ways and terms to enhance my blog.

~~~~~~**000**~~~~~~

Naiinis ako. I hate it when people try to control your life. I'm 26, for goodness' sake! Some people at my age are already married. Which means, at this age, we can already decide for ourselves and what we want to do with our lives.

I know my family loves me and they're just showing their concern. It's just the way they show it. Sobrang nakakapikon. It's like they want you to know they don't like it and pushes it down your throat. Hindi yung bibigyan ka ng chance to explain. Ni minsan they never asked me what the offer is about, and then, they'd tell me na I can't accept the offer.

I've been deciding whether or not to accept an offer to supervise a grocery at Roxas, Mindoro. I really like the place. It's really simple, but the idea of supervising the store (it's like owning it yet you don't spend for it), living independently and being away to take care of myself really excites me. But ultimately, I'm going to do what God wants me to do.

I have been closely studying the readings for each day and taking out what strikes me. Ever since I started this plight, the readings were all about going away and that God loves each and every one of us. He also mentions to trust in Him and in the Spirit. Siguro nga nagkataon lang that I'm experiencing it at the time when He ascended and soon the SPirit will descent na... but I know that nothing is coincidental. God has His own perfect timing. And so, this week, I'm actually on a 70-30% rate of accepting the offer.

Then came last night the whole story of my family deciding for me. One aunt counter-offered. I really appreciate their help, but I really want to decide for myself. Kung ito lang hindi na nila papadecide sa akin, how much more if I want to go to China or elsewhere? It's so lucky for me na nga that I'm trying it out in Mindoro and it's so near pa rin Manila... Eh pano na if it were another country?

I want to scream... parang nagulo tuloy yung meditation ko on this matter... mas gusto ko tuloy umalis ngayon para lang mang-inis... pero I know naman kahit ngayon No More Mr. Nice Guy ako, eventually God will let me humble myself and accept His plan... so ngayon, balik ako sa square one of not knowing what to do... this week pa naman ang deadline ko...

In my heart, ready na ako... I know God will make this work... even to the point of hurting my family muna... if this is God's will, they will understand someday...

There are days when I feel like just dropping everything and going to a place like this... it must be heavenly to do that... 

I feel so tired and withdrawn today. It's like I want to place myself in a bottle, cork it up and throw it in the ocean. Maybe the toil I went through the past week is catching up on me. There are days when I really feel I want to just jump and never get back on my feet...

----

yesterday, i went to the last night of the wake of Iris' granddad. he was such a kind soul. we used to eat everyday lunch when iris and i take a leave at la salle grounds and find comfort food in their house, which is really near La Salle. i remember he was such a kind person. he always laughs, is always smiling, and feeds me so much that's why my objective of getting thin was never met. he always invited me to go everywhere. it's too bad i wasn't able to visit him in the hospital before he went away... maybe subconsciously i'm also sad that he left this world with so much pain... yet on the other side, he also left with so many people loving him. i was touched to hear stories about his eldest grandchild not afraid of showing his emotions by crying... and i was also touched at the pictures they pasted on cartolinas, like artwork to show people how great a man he was. i wonder at the opportunities that comes along, whether we are making the most out of it, or are we taking them for granted?

I am so inspired today!!! My blog is still a work in progress... but it's getting better. I'm really grateful for my BEST FRIEND JEFFREY (lolo, salamat, hugs to death) for figuring out the tagboard! Finally, I have installed my very own tagboard!!! Nakakatawa kanina... whenever I sign up sa tag-board.com, I get lost in a maze of offers! as in, offer for a credit card, some program, finding ancestors, etc... phew! Buti na lang talaga tinulungan ako ni jeff gumawa ng account... and sa confusion din nya, nailagay nya ang pangalan nya sa settings ng tagboard ko! mwehehhee pero salamat talaga, jeff... isa na lang ang kulang sa kanya!!! color scheme... and yung mood ko... parang kablag sya sa blog ko pero aayusin, intayin lang...

****************************

my day started okay... mejo harassed kasi monday blues... and since one week na kami hindi nagkita ng mga friends ko sa office, ang tanong sa akin: "Kamusta date mo nung Friday night?" Ako naman, "Ha? Anong date?"... Yun pala May 14 pa pala ang last na kita namin dahil nag-one week leave ako, which coincidentally was my Best friend's birthday and we did went out that night. Yun pala ang date na sinasabi nila. Kakatuwa. Kasi naman hindi pa nila kilala si Jeff. My friend Jeff kasi is such a complicated person to understand. pero pagnakilala mo na... marami kang maiintindihan about a person and how not to stereotype one person. Just like Jeff. Sa unang tingin, kala ng iba... er... bading... iba naman, "ang puti!" o iba naman, "ang gwapo!" (hahaha... i made up this one... kasi after first impression, dami na nagkakagusto sa friend kong to... matinik!) Jeff really is a different guy. Hindi mo talaga sya mababasa ng ganyan ganyan lang. But that's exactly his charisma. anyway, ang laki na ng ulo nya kaya itutuloy ko na ang kwento ko... so after explaining to them about the "date"... linoko ko si angie na kelan sya pwede dahil ise-setup ko na nga sya sa kaibigan kong to... aba, e nahiya. sabi ko, sige, puntahan mo na lang blog nya para mejo maintindihan mo sya ng konti. naimpress ang lola ko and sabi ko, magcomment sya... nahiya! pero natuwa ako sa reaction nila kasi in a way, they're slowly understanding our relationship. purely platonic, special and we know we both love each other as best friends. So anyway, the day went on, napraning ako kasi may exhibit ako tomorrow sa st. paul pasig... nakakatawa nga kc bago tumawag ang boss ko about this exhibit, sabi ko sa sarili ko, ano kaya ang pwede kong gawin? at biglang tumawag na nga ang boss ko... nagdiscusyon kami ni angiew and rita sa work sa office... nakakatawa kaming tatlo... dala ng monday blues, nagdiscusyon lang kami para lang... magdiskusyon... walang nanalo, walang tama o mali, basta lang makahirit. Hahhaa. It's been a long time since I had that feeling. Tawa kami ng tawa after.

After work, nagmadali akong umuwi, naddik na ako sa blog ko... so i figured the tagboard and moods and viola, post na ng entry.

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Reflections for today:
- I still feel blessed after the youth camp... so many people are commenting that they are really living in the spirit... sana magtagal...
- I am at a crossroads... am still weighing my pros and cons about my future... buti na lang i have time tomorrow and wednesday to reflect... sana bigyan na nya ako ng answer.

nagsimula ang lahat nung gusto kong magcomment sa weblog ng kaibigan ko... wala sana akong balak lumipat... techy ka dapat kung magiging maganda ang weblog mo kung dito ka... i have an existing all-black one, simple lang pero classic... pero sige na nga, i-try ko na lang... ;) mahilig naman akong mag-aral ng bago... baka sakaling madagdagan ang nalalaman ko sa internet...

***
Today was kinda fun. We tried an Indian restaurant at UN kanina. Nakakatuwang magtry ng ibang cuisine... minsan kasi nalilimitado na ang choices mo... makes me think na minsan some people are really missing out on a lot when they try to hold on to their comfort zones... and suddenly, i think of jja... i'm so happy na she's opened up her world na... hindi man sa food (but she tried the indian restaurant rin!), pero i think she's really relating to people na... mas friendly na siya ngayon, mas maganda na sya... literally, subjectively at kung ano-ano pa. i have to say that she's really changed from the first time i saw her. and am really proud of her. also, there's the beauty which I mentioned kanina... and I'm sure God is the one who did these for her.



***
I organized a YOUTH CAMP last May 20-22. Ang saya... ang daming miracles na nangyari! And i'm proud of the group that helped me organize this youth camp! nakakatuwa kasi when you're doing something for the Lord, alam mong magiging maganda sya kahit anong mangyari! just like:
- umuulan ng sobrang LAKAS the night before... natakot nga kami na baka walang makapunta pero the next day nung umalis kami, ang ganda ng sikat ng araw!!!
- until that day, may pahabol pang mga sponsors for the youth camp!!! (grabe, blessing sobra ni Lord ang perang dumadating!)
- naging maganda ang response ng bawat isa sa mga modules that we prepared
- nakinig & may natutunan si john sy - which he said na he doesn't normally get to do a lot!
- maraming lumabas sa kanilang comfort zones and naging mas masaya
- bumagyo nga ng two days ... ang third day namin dapat ay swimming... tamang tama, the third time, ang ganda pa rin ng sikat ng araw!!!
- sobrang bonding ang grupo... nakakatuwa na hindi magkaila ang bawat isa... walang naleft out, walang loner... lahat masaya! ;)

grabe, i can't stop praising God for His providence... He really affirmed me of His love.

Mga nakakatuwang mga nangyari:
- Ang nakuha naming pari ay mejo "bading"... hindi sa preference ng sexuality kundi sa kanyang pananalita which nakarelate ang lola mo!
- marami kaming nalamang mga chismax (Chismis to the max!) - am not sure if this is a good thing, oh well
- frog-a-boom... frog country ;)
- ang mga batang ito (high school to college) ay nahilig sa larong "BRIDGE"... at dapat may kasamang sunflower seeds na pinapapak ;)

there's still a lot more to say... pero i'll need time to reflect on it... ngayon, mejo excited na ako makita ang log ko, so til the next log!

I was depressed over these past few days. And although
events happened, bottomline is, one of my few great
friends is leaving.

I call her "Mommy" because she does take care of me...
she's so thoughtful. She's very level-headed and makes me
realize my being blessed by simple joys. She knows what
I've been through, shares my disappointments in life,
knows how to make me laugh and most of all, she knows how
to de-stress me by listening... and now that she's
leaving, I can't help but feel a bit depressed. I can't
believe most of my great friends are gone already... jovy,
che and some others soon to go, but one thing's for sure,
eventhough Che's left already for LA tonight, I know
she'll still be there for me... and I pray I can make it
through everything even without those great friends
physically there with me.

----

Friends have been lifting me up these past few days as if
they knew already about my depression. Funny thing is, I
haven't told them and I haven't shown it either, except
for Popoy. I know it's God's way of lifting me up from
these dumps I'm feeling... and I'd like to thank you,
Lord... for being there for me. I know this shall pass
with lessons to be learned, and to keep.

In this time and age, true friends are really hard to come
by. In this time of self-love and self-gratification, it's
a novelty to find people who are sincere in their love and
friendship and relationship to other people and that they
become selfless to be true to these things.

I came across a find that I consider a treasure, and that
find is no other than POPOY.

He and I became close after I told him about our first
outing as a group and how I was concerned for Him during
that trip. After that, we were very comfortable with each
other and after our bonding in the airconless FX (he drove
me around town to deliver my flowers!), he became even more
like a younger brother to me. I miss my brother who was in
Cavite all the time... He kinda filled that emptiness.

This weekend, he really showed his concern and I will
forever be grateful for his touching my life. He told me he
used me as an example in his talk of "prayer of jabez" to
the youth last sunday. He told me he remembered all the
things I did for him and how I affected his relationship
with the Lord and how other people had the same effect of
my presence in their lives. I was really touched for his
remembrance, that God truly loves me because He sends
instruments to tell me that I'm on the right track. All the
difficulties, all the pains, sorrows and joys... all these
became interconnected as I do His will... and Popoy
certainly made me remember God's love for me.

I am indeed blessed!

Youth Speak
By Arlene Thay
(published in May-June issue of Prolife magazine)

Who is Mary to me? Why is she loved, not by thousands, but
by millions of people? Why do people pray and say: “pray to
Jesus through Mary”. I never understood that idea. I never
comprehended her role even if I was brought up in a
Catholic school. I don’t know why, but I just respected her
for being the mother of Jesus, yet not realizing the full
meaning of her existence. It didn’t help that other
Christians attacked the meaning of her existence and
challenged Catholics of its Marian dogmas. I guess this
made me doubt a bit at that time, so I never really thought
about it again.

Little by little, time after time, God began to enlighten
me. But it was only until I saw the movie The Passion of
the Christ by Mel Gibson did I realize why the Blessed
Virgin Mary is so dear to many people, and why she holds a
very important role in our Salvation History. I now
understand why she holds importance to the whole Catholic
brethren.

“Then Mary said, “I am the servant of the Lord, let it be

done to me as you have said.” And the Angel left her.”
Luke
1:38 (Catholic Pastoral Edition)

Had Mary said another, can you imagine what would have
become of the life in her womb? Her resounding “YES” to
CHOOSING life was definite, humble, and wholehearted.
Saying yes wasn’t easy. She was facing:
• Dilemma over Joseph’s reaction
If Joseph divorced her, how can she continue on her
pregnancy when the punishment for carrying a baby
illegitimately in the Jewish laws is death?
• Mixed Emotions
A young girl at fourteen, can you imagine the thoughts that
ran in her mind at that delicate age? She would have been
scared at what the future holds for her and her baby yet
overjoyed at being in God’s favor; worried about the
pregnancy yet calmed over God’s presence.
Yet even with all these emotions, she held on. She chose
life. She chose to let Jesus be, what God has planned for
him all along, our Messiah. And I know that never did she
regret her decision in any time and in any way.

In the movie, Mel Gibson portrayed Mary following closely
the events of the passion of our Lord. Whenever the Lord
sees her, He finds renewed strength. When Jesus pained, her
heart is pained as well. I realized the beauty of the love
a mother has for her son through the movie. It made me
stronger in my conviction that the connection between a
mother and her baby is so strong that it can never be
broken. Even until the last few hours of Jesus’ life, He
remembered to leave Mary in the hands of his most beloved
apostle, John. When Jesus’ said to Mary, “Woman, behold
your son,” and to John, “Son, behold your mother.”,
a
meaningful reflection dawned on me. Jesus said this because
He knew His mother wanted to die with Him and He couldn’t
let this be because Mary still had a role to fulfill. She
was to be the strength of the apostles, and of all
disciples as well. He entrusted her to be the Mother of all
nations. When He died on the cross, He saved everyone and
that made Mary the mother of all nations.

Because of these reflections, I find myself venerating
Mary. I now carry the rosary and pray it meaningfully
because I know that when I cannot face myself for my sins,
Mary extends to me her love to be able to face Jesus so
that my heart is ready to receive His grace and mercy.

I have also come to value mothers for who they are and what
they represent. I value my own mother for choosing to give
birth to the four of us in the family. I value mothers
because they must have felt what Mary did: having mixed
emotions and all. My mother may not have been faced with
the same dilemma; any pregnancy is worrying enough yet it
did not stop her from choosing life. And to the other
mothers out there, who bravely went on with their
pregnancies, despite the conditions that faced them:
pregnancy out of wedlock; difficult pregnancies such as
contracting measles, ectopic pregnancies, pregnancies when
the mother’s health is at risk; incest pregnancies; failed
contraception, etc.; we SALUTE you for respecting the right
to LIFE! Cheers to you, all mothers, who are one with Mary!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers!!!