Last night, my family and I discussed the option of Mindoro which at the start of the day and the week, has been on my mind and the fervor of my decision to go was all the increasing every minute. Until that night.

I called a miting de avance with my family. Before we left the house, I called Auntie Ellen and we had a conversation on my decision to go to Mindoro. It was a nice devil's advocate approach, and albeit drained me, put me in a mood that it was a right thing to do.

After the phone call, we started to get ready and eat dinner outside. The something happened. Padme started the meow in a different way. It was like a pleading, worrying meow. At first, I thought there was something wrong with her, but we had to leave so I said, I'll just take her to the doctors tomorrow if there is something wrong. My brother even joked that maybe Padme knew I wanted to go and she was pleading for me not to.

Oh, well. Then we ate at Melange. We discussed the option or to my sibling, I persuaded the case to them. The discussion, for me, was open, but to them, they felt I had closed the doors. An answer to every inquiry they made is not a defense... it just means I already thought about it. But what totally crashed me was the mention of my being selfish... I couldn't accept that and tears started to flow. I told them if I were selfish, then I wouldn't go... that I'll lead my life exactly the way I was leading it. One of the reasons why I wanted to go was to save money... nahihiya na kasi ako that they always pay for everything... they told me that money is not an issue, etc. etc. but that wasn't the case before this discussion. So the whole thing from deciding Mindoro went to their criticisms about me. It was okay except that I was already hurt at what they said. Even when my sister told me she was just playing devil's advocate... that she really wanted me to go, except she wasn't too keen on the living arrangements, I was deeply hurt already. We left Melange and went to McDonalds, where we sort of continued on the drama. They each commented they didn't want me to go. What about Padme? What about the other things? What about my soon to be niece/nephew?

All these are important to me. And because of the events of last night, I'm having second thoughts right now. I'm hanging on to God. The feeling is a bit humbling. Because all the while you thought you have everything all figured out, but the end of it all is, you still love your family even if they hurt you. It would still be hard for me to leave them behind. So I am back again at square one. I don't know what to do. I don't know where God wants me to follow him. I'm so torn between wanting to go and staying. This time, I'm back at my 50-50% from my 70-30%.

Back at home. Padme still meowed in the same way and I held her and fed her. I let her go only to find out she was hiding in my cabinet. I went to sleep and she jumped from the cabinet to go to my bed. I comforted her as she settled in her sleeping nook... the place beside my pillow. I was tired from all the crying, the discussions... and as I went to sleep, I felt Padme knew I was considering staying, and so she closed her eyes and snuggled beside me.