after a period of what seemed like silence, the writer in me longed to express and try to translate what seems to be of late, a mind full of questions and a heart full of love and compassion.

i've always been the one who uses the heart first. i've had this strategy for as long as i can remember. listen to my heart first, then my head to analyze what God wills for me, the back to my heart where God rests. and whatever circumstance and situation, i try to use this.

lately, i've been feeling strain in our choir. It's like a rubber band stretching itself to the limits. gone were the days when everybody, honest-to-goodness, got along. it almost seemed like yesterday when we really were having fun... and then i woke up in a dreadful nightmare where suddenly, everyone seemed to have a personality and an attitude problem. i know i shouldn't dwell in that hopeful environment... but experiencing it was like going to heaven then going to purgatory if it makes sense at all.

The middle child in me wants to make everything a-ok. i've been almost always a person who gets along with everybody. and even if i did hurt some people in the past by my actions, i manage to still be able to be friends with that person. so with my personality, i really want to make things ok. i know this sometimes bother people, but hey, this is me. i can't please anyone... but i know i'm not hurting other people because of this trait of mine.

But sometimes, you just can't. But you can hope. And pray. And i've been trying to do this for the last few years... though i'm getting tired, it's all i'm hanging on to...

::::....~~**00**~~....::::

i remember a passage in the bible where it says in not so many words, that when you are about to take communion or do something important for the Lord, and remember that you are not reconciled with your brother, to drop everything, reconcile with your brother first and go back to where you started. it's like saying that before anything else, make peace with your brother first. and i'm reminded that if we want something done, it's not the end results that counts sometimes, but the way we get to the result that matter. i wonder sometimes if my choirmates ever think about this passage...

::::....~~**00**~~....::::

i've been contemplating my life and i have tried to simplify it over the months. i'm happy for this move, and am still trying to find ways to simplify it. there are a lot of things i've involved in right now... and there's one thing i'd really love to drop. however, the circumstance surrounding it seems to affect so many people who i love. i'm still trying to find out how and i'm hoping God will show me how.

::::....~~**00**~~....::::

american idol freak. that's what i call myself these days. i love the song "I believe"...

Have you ever reached your rainbows end
Did you find your pot of gold
Ever catch a shooting star
Tell me how high did you soar
Ever felt like you were dreaming just to find that
you're awake
And the magic that surrounds you can lift you up
and guide you on your way

I can see it in the stars across the sky
Dreamed a hundred thousand dreams before,
Now I finally realize
You see I've waited all my life
For this moment to arrive
And finally
I believe in the impossible

If I reach deep within my heart
Overcome any obstacles
Won't let this dream fall apart
You see I strive to be the very best
Shine my light for all to see
Cause anything is possible
When you believe

I can see it in the stars across the sky (Yeah)
Dreamed a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize (Now I finally realize)
You see I've waited all my life
For this moment to arrive
Finally, finally
I believe

I said I believe (ohh yeah)
Love keeps lifting me higher
(Love keeps lifting me higher)
Love keeps lifting me higher
(You ought to try it for yourself)
(Lifting me higher)
Love keeps lifting me higher
(Yeah.. Love keeps lifting me higher)
Love keeps lifting me higher
(Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher)
Love keeps lifting me higher
(Love keeps lifting, love keeps lifting me higher)
Love keeps lifting me higher
Yeah..
Higher
Oh yeah..

i absolutely love this song. i'm reminded of my dreams and how God can make it all possible for me. but on the funny side, i hear fred's comment on the show: it's great because it encourages support of the family and it really is a quality show... and i agree, it's just that it comes from fred and he made me smile when he said it. fred is one tough cookie to crack... but he cares, and deep down inside, i see goodness that can only come from the heart.