when i woke up yesterday morning, i felt an ache in my body because of the fall. so i decided to take a leave. by late afternoon, i went down to my dad's room and cried quietly by his side. i felt all the strength i built up around myself beginning to tear down after six years since this happened. i was crying the whole weekend, feeling so weak and so battered that i didn't know who i am anymore. so i decided that for once and for all, i'm going to shut down. shut down from the world, my priorities, my family, my friends, my "life". i went to a mall alone and spent the rest of the day watching a movie, eating my favorite foods and slowly drowning in a surreal world. it felt great to be invisible. no one knew me, no one talked to me, no eye to judge me, no nothing. but reality had to sink in so i went home. and i felt a bit better but still not quite. so i texted beng. and she and i talked for 52 minutes on the phone... and i realized... all the depression that i've had, maybe this tops it all. i felt everything in my world is on a down-hill slope. so beng and i talked... and at the end of the night, i was crying once again. i felt a bit better though. after that call, joan of fccy texted me and asked me how i was... and i opened up a bit. i really appreciated the texts... i know that she's concerned i wasn't getting enough break... and i told her i will. i will have a break once everything's all done. with that, even if i felt so weak, i decided to come to work the next day and face a bit of my reality. but i woke up at 5 and threw up. i also had diarrhea. so im at home again today and eating nothing but apple and crackers.

and now, since our colored monitor broke down... all i see in my screen is black and white. a thought suddenly came to me... maybe i should see things in black and white. maybe i can separate the complexity of my problems and be left with these two choices. black and white.

but maybe... not yet. in time perhaps.