don't feel like writing much these days. but one thing i can say... thank you LORD! you're so great to me. i don't deserve your love and the things you do for me... but i am humbled enough that you see to me my everyday needs. lord, i hope it will be enough for me. help me not to want more than what i need. but most of all, never let me say "enough" in doing things for you.
Tuesday was Vange's birthday... we went out to Yakitori House with Kenneth, Jeff, Fred and Joni. It was fun hanging out again. It's been a long time since we did that. But Vange and I met last Saturday at SM Manila and had coffee to catch up. I'm glad that we're still able to do that. Nakakamiss the old times.
Kai emailed me yesterday twice. It was nice to read her insights. She's becoming more mature na. And I believe she's changed a lot. A lot happened to us this year. There was the break-up of our company, my quitting the choir and more. Through it all, we've talked only slightly about this. But yesterday, I was prepared to hear more. So I learned that my quitting the choir impression on people was that I did not value the "ups and downs" in a group. While I understand why people said that, to me, I really had to move on. It's like I was in a fishbowl then, but right now, I am in the ocean roaming around God's creations and learning more about life in the process. I used to shrug off family time, but right now, I value it. Before I was so tired to do anything, but now, I had more time in my hands. As Ate said one time, we will not be in the choir forever. And I guess I couldn't believe it then, but if your heart now is not within that service anymore... what are you to do? I feel that in my perspective, I have been in the choir in the ups and downs. It wasn't always enjoyable, all these 7-8 years. There were days that I was frustrated but didn't say anything. There were days I wanted to give up, but I didn't. There were days I felt that I was giving my everything but the others weren't but I didn't say anything again. I realized that without me saying anything, I also made a mistake. But that's in the past already. Now, I really have moved on. So whether they understand why I left or not, I realize that time will just heal all wounds. It made me realize something, too... All break-ups are hard... and it doesn't limit boy-girl relationships. It includes breaking up in a group too... and no break-ups are easy.
However, there is one glitch. I would love to still be friends with them. But I also realized... it's up to them. I hope they would also speak to me about it. I can't guess their thoughts. That's why I appreciated Kai telling me about this. It made me understand her more. But if they won't speak to me about it, I'd understand. Sa akin lang, now I'm ready to face them na and if they want to be friends, I'm more than willing to be one.
I also realized something too. I love to see the other side of the ocean. I'm in a very uncomfortable stage in my spiritual journey. I'm without a community, I'm without a group, even without a partner... but I know God has a plan for me. I'm beginning to know what's more important in life now. I'm beginning to see there are more avenues to serve... and I'm beginning to feel... that it's going to be soon.
A Dolphin Story
There is a dolphin that lived in a wonderful blue ocean, where sunrises are a blessing and the coral reefs grasses one can play with. Her mother and father taught this dolphin well, and with grandmama and grandpapa's guidance, this dolphin blossomed into a kind, patient, sweet and thoughtful dolphin that wanted to please everybody. And so this dolphin did all that. This dolphin loved, cared, is patient, sweet and thoughtful to everybody she knew. This dolphin had so many group of friends it was hard to keep up! One day, this dolphin got lost in the ocean and thought that the other side of the ocean was more beautiful than the other. Soon, she traveled less to her home and stayed at the other side. Until one day when she was scarred that she learned her lesson. She was afraid that home would not be welcomed anymore but she thought, what could she lose? So she tried. And she realized that all she had to do was try. She was welcomed to her home once more and she explored the wide, amazing ocean about her. Her family loved her despite the scars and her friends believed her to be so strong that she was able to carry on all her struggles. But it wasn't really the same anymore. She was still the same dolphin, wanting to care, to love, to be patient, sweet and thoughtful again, but with the scars she bore, she longed for somebody to ease away the pain. When she didn't exactly get that, she became sensitive and longed for somebody to really understand, to tell her it's okay not to be so strong all the time... that she can really lean on this person anytime, anywhere... she just needed to call... But for now, this dolphin hasn't found this person. Perhaps it's not about looking for that person... but for the meantime, she just lets the tear roll down her white cheeks.
Yesterday, I went to Ortigas to meet Marge for her ting hun shopping spree. Since she was going to be a bit late, I stopped by Parc Royale to visit Iris and Edison in their new home. I love seeing them together... they look so great with each other despite all the nagging and bickering ;) They showed me their wedding pictures but it was 3 CDs so I was able to see only 2. it was really nice. made me remember their wedding day and how great it was!
after some time, marge texted me that she was on the way so I met up with her at Shangrila. We shopped around and bought shoes, bags and dresses. I like the Sari Sari boutique in Shangrila. They have really nice clothes... affordable pa! it was fun catching up with her and seeing her trying on dresses that i knew fit her but she was too afraid to try them on because she doesn't think it'll fit. i saw the store moss, owned by Cherlyn Lynn Chan, an alumni at st peter. the boutique was constructed really nice. it was small, but it has a mirror and even a sitting area. i like the snaziness of its look.
after that, i went home and watched "Godsend" with my family. i liked what we watched the other night better, "13 going on 30"... the movie "Godsend" had a great message to tell though. that toying with what's not natural can really have consequences that are uncontrollable and at times be very dangerous and uncertain.
this morning, i went to Kerygma Feast again. i really am happy that i'm able to go there now. the people there are about a thousand, bo says and am astounded because it's true... the audiences that come number about a thousand and still we don't seem to get enough of the Feast! i like how bo can turn simple things extraordinarily. after the feast, i began to think about my life and bo's message: "am i catching men?" "am i stretching my net to the limit catching people and evangelizing?"
the realization bit me. but that's exactly why i went to kerygma feast. not to enjoy... but to dwell in the Lord's presence and wake up.
i'm not sure which direction to take, but this time, i know i have to use all my time, energy, efforts in reaching out and telling the good news. baby steps again... but i think i know what to do...
i love my being Pro-life. no matter how the system is so bugging me, or that my boss is unfair, and that i have a jinx i think in the name that starts with "j"s, i love what i do and what i believe in.
this past week has taught me something. while i'll be challenged, fought upon and discouraged by the internal side of things, i'd be great on our publics. just this week, i had the chance to talk to four groups of students. i'd get comments that are really encouraging and that made me value what i do best... to talk about pro-life stuff and go down to their level to be understood. i guess i miss this in work and now that i do it again, i am very much motivated. i have already stopped two abortions... while it may not seem much, to me that is already a breakthrough. i pray the Lord will always help me go on... and not to fall so deeply again.
fr. manny texted me this week about forgiving him and the people who have hurt me and to come back because my parish needs me. i received a text from erika, too about what i don't like in a group because they are clueless as to what bothered me and what pushed me not to go to st. peter anymore. some days i'll have a list, some days i just feel this is where God wants me to be. i like my new self... and though i think sometimes it's a bit selfish, i know i am not totally leaving my promise of service to God... because my work is for Him, my family that i'm working on to build up after its lost years (in my case, that is) is for Him as well... and the baby jc that we're all so loving right now is our chance to bond... i don't know... it's complicated. but i feel that i need this time off to get to know myself again. i kinda forgot who i am...
in the meantime, it's going to be the feast again! boy, am i looking forward to that this sunday!!!