my la salle barkada 



i've always loved college. i got to know myself better during those times. i experienced faith, love - no matter how puppy that was - oh well, going out of my shell and comfort zones, and enjoying the company of tsinays, my la salle barkada. they've been there in my highs and lows... and no matter who i have become, or where i am now, they've always shown that they're there for me... nakakatuwang isipin na we're all living different lives... but we're still great friends...


ge had to leave for australia and this pic was taken in kris' place on ge's despidida... hay, kakamiss!


recently, because of my depression and have lost my footing in this world, they've been very supportive... each took their turn caring for me... nakakatouch... and what's really great about this is they're also the people who i turned to when i lost myself... after that puppy love experience... they really helped me get back on track. sometimes i wonder what i did right to have these friends around me... and i can just be grateful that they are there.


tsinays, if you're reading this... thanks...

i miss this barkada of mine...  



we had really great times together. we don't bond anymore lately and i miss that... but i don't know if it will ever be the same way again... but am happy, because i learned more of myself when i was with them.


i feel sad for ja... though i know i can't understand what she's going through... i still feel a sense of loss... i think if it happened to me... i would also feel the same way she did... in a way, that speaks about life... there's really no sure thing in this world and sometimes, even if life takes the treasures in your life, you'll learn to move on... and you can ... only hope...

I'm so happy with the new look... spent hours in the internet trying to find skins that would change the classic look... which i still saved... but on to the new one... i've always loved this art... hindi ko sure kung anong tawag sa art na to but i like it. though there's some bugs, like the wallpaper and the music which appears only when it wants to, i'm contented... naiba na sya without any damage. weird pa rin yung counter ko... nag-one thousand plus na hits ko, then back to 200+ na naman sya. oh well, u can't have everything!

Today was declared no work, kaya nagkatime ako to do this. and to refocus my energies into creating something good... i think ;)

Was able to chat with Jovy today... and Volt... magmemeet sana kami today but he has something else kaya postponed to next week. Galing lang that Volt & I kept the friendship for how many years na... he designed a website kasi before - "bolt of Catholic thought" and it was really inspiring... then we lost communication, he found me sa friendster... and now we're yahoo chat-mates.

It's raining hard again... made me remember my friend who like rain so much... sana he's happy and doing great na... i realized that no matter where he is now, or what his priorities are na... i'll still be there... kasi love ko sya as a friend, and he introduced me a personal relationship with God... and i'll be forever thankful.

my family isn't perfect... we have our highs and lows and we've gone through the up and down side of the wheel that made us stronger... and i really didn't give them the time of day before... i thought i was doing something better. but God made me realize that your family could always be the one thing that you'll have for sure and that they're a blessing - through and through. and itsumo... well, that's our sound in the fx that endeared everyone to the sounds of dice & k9.

i'm feeling a bit better now. although i haven't faced my ghosts yet so i don't know how i'd turn out to be when the time comes that i've got to face them. but with this, i realized how God loves me... because He gives me hope... and He gives me love... and most of all, i'm beginning to see love again in the people past the hurts... baby steps though... ;)

hmnn... this is making me think...

Lord, I feel so tired. I don't how how to go on anymore... with my life... I wish there were some way I could find you within... but that's not too inspiring as well. There's just one thing I know for sure... it's that you will always be there for me and this too shall pass. Until that day, Lord... please help me. I need you.

if i knew, would i still love you?
if i knew, would i be able to understand?
if i knew, would i be able to hide from the truth?
if i knew, would you still be the same person i know now?
if i knew, would you understand why i have to go away?
if i knew, would it be okay to say it's not alright?
if i knew, would things change for the better or for the worse?
if i knew, would you still be around to be there for me?

if only i could say if i knew... but i don't know
i love you too much to hurt you to want to know
and this is confusing me every minute... but i know il move on...
i always have... because with God's grace, i will move on...

it was sad that one of the strongest person i have ever met passed away last thursday. but i'm happy that her family has moved on a bit... because eiselle died without any pain, without leaving any doubts to her parents that she was happy. her mom told us that at least, eis won't have to suffer anymore... she had been sick since 2 years old.

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the word "depressed" has been abused so i'm going to use "disheartened" because it means: to cause to lose spirit or morale. the thing about being in this condition is that you know what to do to rise up from this, and i know about making choices about this, but it's lost... and it's hard to regain something u have lost. and it goes over and over in your head until you just try to think of something else to ignore this disheartening situation... but you know someday you'll be able to look at each person again past their afflictions towards you... past their taking you for granted and so on. because God will surely bring out their best towards you someday. i still hope... but in the meantime, i am disheartened.

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i've thought about this for the longest time, and still my answer to the "next time" phases of my life is "no more". no more if it entails professionalism from a team. i can't trust that anymore to a team if it is under the condition of "pro bono" or "for free". because in the end, i don't want to be discouraged and lose my trust and confidence in the team.

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i said goodbye to another great friend who's leaving next week for Tagaytay. I met her in Pro-life because she stays with us every Thursday and Friday. She's an aspiring contemplative nun... and that's what she'll be doing for the next three months. We'll see each other in December na. I can't believe i'm saying goodbye again... i've faced goodbyes so many times i might become numb one day!

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even with all the chaos happening, whenever i turn to God, he lets me see the other side of things... i know that he never lacks in generosity and when i think i'm in the lowest pit of things... he shows me that it's possible that other people is in a more deeper pit, and i am still blessed. and i appreciate his showing me this each day. i wish i could be a better person to love him more. i wish i think of him more often because he thinks the world of me. i wish to get to know him more. i wish i could be a good lover as he is in our relationship... i wish.

A Moment Like This

What if I told you
it was all meant to be
would you believe me
would you agree
it's almost that feelin
that we've met before
so tell me that you dont think I'm crazy
when I tell you love has come here and now

A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this
some people search forever
for that one special kiss

Oh, I can't believe it's hapenning to me
some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this

Everything Changes
but beauty remains
something so tender
I can't explain
well I may be dreamin
but still lie awake
can we make this dream last forever
and I'll cherish all the love we share

could this be the reign of love above
I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall
so let me tell you this
some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this

Some people spend two lifetimes
for a moment like this
some people search forever
for that one special kiss
oh I can't believe it's happening to me
some people wait a lifetime
for a moment
like this
Oh, like this
some people search forever oh yeah
some people wait a lifetime
for a moment
like this.

-Kelly Clarkson, American Idol 1

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I still feel am on the other side of this moment but this is the song that's stuck in my mind... and somehow speaks to me.

I'm grateful for my friends who know exactly what to say and do whenever I'm in this weird place... and somehow, it seems to help me rise above this depression I'm feeling... though I know it'll take time, with God I'm hanging on to, I know I'm getting there. Not quite. But getting there.

when i woke up yesterday morning, i felt an ache in my body because of the fall. so i decided to take a leave. by late afternoon, i went down to my dad's room and cried quietly by his side. i felt all the strength i built up around myself beginning to tear down after six years since this happened. i was crying the whole weekend, feeling so weak and so battered that i didn't know who i am anymore. so i decided that for once and for all, i'm going to shut down. shut down from the world, my priorities, my family, my friends, my "life". i went to a mall alone and spent the rest of the day watching a movie, eating my favorite foods and slowly drowning in a surreal world. it felt great to be invisible. no one knew me, no one talked to me, no eye to judge me, no nothing. but reality had to sink in so i went home. and i felt a bit better but still not quite. so i texted beng. and she and i talked for 52 minutes on the phone... and i realized... all the depression that i've had, maybe this tops it all. i felt everything in my world is on a down-hill slope. so beng and i talked... and at the end of the night, i was crying once again. i felt a bit better though. after that call, joan of fccy texted me and asked me how i was... and i opened up a bit. i really appreciated the texts... i know that she's concerned i wasn't getting enough break... and i told her i will. i will have a break once everything's all done. with that, even if i felt so weak, i decided to come to work the next day and face a bit of my reality. but i woke up at 5 and threw up. i also had diarrhea. so im at home again today and eating nothing but apple and crackers.

and now, since our colored monitor broke down... all i see in my screen is black and white. a thought suddenly came to me... maybe i should see things in black and white. maybe i can separate the complexity of my problems and be left with these two choices. black and white.

but maybe... not yet. in time perhaps.