i don't know when it started... but i became disappointed at myself. i finally took a long hard look at the mirror and faced me... my honest self... and i discovered a lot of things that i wasn't proud of. it was like i wanted to erase the image and patch it up all over again. but i knew deep inside that i couldn't. and this experience will make me stronger. but until then... i know i face myself with a sigh and wondered what happened. when did i become so self-absorbed that i saw myself as those people who i hated for being so self-absorbed? and i saw my faults... as faults. no excuses whatsoever. when did i become so selfish that my heart could not be content? some people may mistake my thoughts as being self pity... but i know better. i've been accused of that before and it doesn't come close at what i am actually feeling right now. i know this isn't self-pity... it's more of a self 360 degrees evaluation that i find that what people know about me... isn't all roses. and it's sometimes a scary fact. but i will face them... as i face all my challenges with a strong conviction that i have the Lord with me.


Lord... please create in me a clean heart... i have been troubled for so long now. i know one day i will smile at this but at this moment, in my little corner of my world... please cast a light to uplift me... to make me realize how i can rise above all this at the mere mention of ur name... and how u still see me as a precious daughter longing and thirsting for the heart and love of her Maker and father. make my heart beat for you... that i may see my blessings and believe... u will make a way for me... until then Lord...


i'll give thanks to you, with gratitude, for lessons learned...