i came from hong kong last tuesday. and i was supposed to go home wednesday, but monday, my mom texted me to say that suddenly, he cannot take any more food because his body is rejecting it. And since water is being kept in his body, parts of his body was being affected already. his eyes were bulging already with water and he looks really bad. i wasn't able to see the worst as i arrived a day after this episode (which is why i rebooked my flight) Then, we were told the bad news. Papa is not going to get well with the medicines and the treatment they're giving him. It's because we had already gone through the process of the medications for the 5th time, and every time, he would get well, then suddenly something goes wrong again.

I'm not a doctor, so it's hard for me to explain things. But it's like this... his blood pressure is low, so that's why he has to take a medicine that should keep his b/p up. but when that happens, he can't urinate and do bowel movement. to correct this, he should take a medicine, but this medicine keeps the b/p down. in this case, he can't breathe easily and needs a ventilator to breathe and be comfortable.

they say that quality of life is not present anymore with what we're doing to him. So that night, with a heavy heart, we decided to stop the medications as advised by the doctors and after researching if this is morally correct or not.

when we decided to do this, the doctors told us that he might be gone in 24 hours. although his blood pressure went down to 60/40 (the lowest), he is battling the fight. today is the third day already since we decided to stop his medications. his b/p is fluctuating now. some says it won't be long. but when i see papa, it's like his will to live is still there. the doctor told us that these are just reflexes, and they believe there's nothing behind his eyes anymore.

right now... even though i know that medically he might not be the same as he was before, i still feel as if he's battling this, and maybe for mama, maybe for us, i don't know.

but i remember i blogged about this before... i accept God's will, and continue to trust in His love and mercy... but as long as he fights, i'll pray that it's not too painful for him. If it is, I hope he offers it to Christ - to satiate His thirst for souls, like Mother teresa said.

in the end, whatever comes out of this battle, i shall always praise God. because in this ten years...

... He allowed my mom to stay by his side (my mom told me this week that when my dad first had his stroke, she prayed to God to give her ten years to take care of Papa)
... He allowed this family to pray and become more spiritually binded to Him
... He allowed us to become a blessing for others, because through our perserverance and faith, many has been touched and blessed by God's providence for our family.
... He allowed us to experience pain, so that they joy of being together as a family must be learned
... He allowed many lessons to be learned.

i made a song before he went to the hospital (which is already a month now) and i'm glad Omar was able to arrange it and record it as .amr and jaja and john converted it to mp3. to listen:

Amr - http://omarbiter.multiply.com/journal/item/3
Mp3 - http://beingjaja.multiply.com/music/item/34/To_You_O_Lord

I hope this song has comforted Papa as it has comforted me.

to all my friends who visited me at the hospital, to those who texted, called, prayed with me... thank you very much. this battle is not yet over, but all these has helped me go through this and i will always be thankful for all of your thoughts, prayers and help. God bless.