being a christian is never easy. christ never promised it
would be. he went through so much agony first before glory
came. and today, i am faced with the question of whether i
am a true christian who loves unceasingly? am i a christian
who go to masses but after that, thinks bad about people
and sin more and more each minute by gossiping, by talking
about people behind their backs and all... sometimes i
commit these sins, and i regret them. after having watched
the passion, i remember that every time i sin, i add more
to his suffering... and there are times i am forewarned
everytime i almost commit a sin... maybe this is a grace
God has given me after having watched the passion. but
still, the other times i can't seem to help myself... life
indeed is a struggle, but christ came to show us he was
able to do so... and i pray each day i'll be stronger in my
conviction to turn away from the sins... and i know one day
he will allow me. for his glory...

Birthday Thoughts

I've grown a year older yesterday. It was a nice, simple
birthday. I received so many heartwarming messages, gifts
and thoughts that I was really touched. There were calls
from a friend in Hong Kong, from Iloilo, and from Manila. I
really appreciated their taking time out to call and it did
make me special that day.

I am also grateful that I have walked with the Lord all
these 26 years of existence... I am excited to grow
older... because I know God will enrich me more and more. I
can't wait for His wonderful plan to unfold!

------

My birthday was quite funny... it started out with texts
and calls at 12nn... then waking at 5:30am to get ready to
go to Good Shepherd Convent by 6:30. But I woke abt 5:45
already! So I made it sa Good Shepherd ng 6:45! Sayang,
wasn't able to fully experience the mass. Sr. Pilar invited
me for breakfast that morning and then we set off to go to
Holiday Inn Manila to display our Journey of Life Photo
Exhibit and to sell Pro-life items. it was humbling for me
to see Sr. Pilar helping me. After that stint, I went to
San Juan to teach conversational English to two taiwanese
kids. They're both great kids with great potential. I have
difficulty with the boy, but I know in time, it will get
better. I went to Practice after that, and was overwhelmed
with the messages, gifts, etc of my friends. We went to KFC
after going through so many restaurants in mind... then to
Mocha Blends for a nightcap. Even if it was a tiring day, I
was happy because in all of these situations, I was
reminded by God that He loves me.

My retreat with the Lord was one of the most beautiful
birthday gifts He has given me. It surely wasn't
coincidence that He allowed our retreat to happen a few
days before my birthday. It surely wasn't coincidence that
The Passion of Christ would be shown in the retreat. It all
wasn't coincidence and I know that it was all PROVIDENTIAL.

I had a wonderful time with the Lord. It was simply being
there for Him and as I watch the pain in His eyes during
the Passion, I know that I ache with Him. From there, I
realized that I should always remember that look as I begin
my day. If I ever think of sinning, I should remember His
look of pain and whether or not I shall add on to it. I am
thankful for this movie as I now know how raw the emotions
are, how painful it truly was, and how he decided to take
this cross no matter what the COST because for love of us
and it touches my heart to the very core.

The retreat centered on the Passion of our Christ. And no
matter who portrayed, what kind of film it was, now I
picture it as a remembrance of what He did for us, and how
I add suffering to Him as I sin again and again. But more
importantly, the message of love was so evident that each
time, tears would slowly fall on my face.

I am grateful for the love the Father has for me, and how
it transcended to Christ. I am grateful that He
resurrected, to show us that His being man was truly for us
to realize the love He has for us.

I am humbled, we are unworthy, but nevertheless, He loves
us still.

Disclaimer: Please do not read on if you don't wish to pre-
empt yourselves from this movie.

I watched The Passion of the Christ today at our office
(Embarrassingly in a pirated VCD). The movie was just as
Pope John Paul said it is... "It is as it is." I've read so
many reviews about it, both bad and good, from different
sectors and religions. One review that struck me was the
review of a rabbi who was in the midst of the arguments
between the film being Anti-Semitic or not and his comments
made me respect him a great deal. In
http://www.towardtradition.org/article_Passion_Feb_2004.htm,
he made a stand that it is not the Jews' mission in life to
thwart the history of Jesus and set it aside just so. He
believed that the movie will further enrich the faith of
many Catholics. And being in an argument whether it is Anti-
semitic or not is not an issue that should be the Jews'
main concern. Many reviews also hinted at the lack of power
in the dialogue, but for me, it was such a moving dialogue.
They knew where to place very moving sentences in the
Scripture. The Passion showed so many emotions. Mainly of
Christ's. And the other Jesus films does pale in comparison
because of the cinematography and how it portrayed the
Passion of the Son of Man whose message was to love at all
COST. At the end of the movie, I also heard a review that
you will think, "It's not the Jews who killed Christ. It
was me." The chilling look of Mary still haunts me at this
time. I realize that I add to Jesus' suffering whenever I
judge others before knowing the truth. I know I add to
Jesus' suffering whenever I fail to love others. The
movie's message was so "John 3:16".

I watched the movie not knowing that I would cry so many
times. Even just at the start of the movie, I was already
crying. There are just so many points there that touches
you.

I respect Mel Gibson so much for making this film. It's
definitely one of the greatest movie ever made. And I will
watch the movie again, this time in the Cinema, to give
honor to the movie and to experience His love for me again.

I have no problem with crossroads. I know that it will come
to you at the least expected time. However, I feel so
frustrated because I've just been into a crossroad and
right now, I know that I am in another one.

My Mindoro option suddenly became a non-option. My friend
overqualified me to the owner and the owner got scared
because of my credentials. Hay, I wish they talked to me
about it first. I really wanted to take this option
already. But I guess the Lord has other plans for me. It's
also funny because I learned that so many people were
praying for me to stay. I am touched by this, kaya lang I
really wanted that option!

I realized I am such an "escapist"... I know I deal with my
own problems head on, but there are a lot of times where I
feel I need to escape from all the burden, all the
pressures, all the people around me.

It's so good that I have a recollection coming up this
March 16-18. I truly hope that I'll be refreshed with the
Lord. I really need the break and I really need a One-On-
One with the Lord.

I am just praying that I will be able to do some day what
I've always wanted to do. That He will allow me to do it so
that I will be blessed while doing so.

People normally balk out in making decisions. After all,
decisions can sometimes be life-changing. I am at a point
where when I decide, I know a lot of people will be
affected. But I know what I need to do. I need to be with
myself and my Lord for a while. I am burdened sometimes at
how people use my energy and how I let them use my energy.
I know that I have to decide whether to save my sanity or
to be trapped into a burden I can't seem to lift up no
matter how hard I try.

I am praying that He will let me know what to do. Until
then, I shall continue to pray and hope for the best.

I had a very busy weekend. There was meetings to go to,
friends to meet up with and commitments to attend to.
Sometimes I get so busy that I barely have time to breathe.

Most memorable ones in my weekend are:
- divisoria with jja, john and gerald
- timeless terno at the metropolitan museum (nice ternos!
fave: joe salazar's - who else? i also like the one rajo
laurel designed with metal-like sleeves)
- interview with auntie nena and chita (50 years of parish
involvement - learned a lot! can't wait to share it through
the commemorative book!)
- meeting with CGC - i knew it was going to be a long night
but i was so overwhelmed with the kind of service the
present CGC has. i realized no matter how difficult the
situations are, the challenges they had to go through, I
know that it was there for a reason... and now i realize
that each of them has grown maturely in the Spirit... and
that the Lord allowed these to happen to know the Lord
more. i'm most especially humbled by jja, bernie, paula and
blake
- lunch date with my barkada from la salle... it was fun
though i had to admit that i differ from them because of my
financial standing. that has never been an issue among them
but sometimes, i feel a bit left out because of this. i'm
grateful that they never did treat me differently. instead
i felt close and supported and loved unconditionally
- i prayed for louie to reconsider his opinions of FC...
that he stay on as adviser... though at the meeting, i told
the CGC to respect his decision... and when i prayed during
the consecration, i said this prayer... praise the Lord
because he emailed us last night to tell us he was
enlightened!